80-20 or 20-80?

What can I say? Life is to be lived but sometimes that is not enough. We want it all. When we have everything we want, we're still not satisfied. Is it the thrill of the chase, the feeling of uncertainty, or, in my case, the distance?

For quite some time, I was an ineligible bachelor, taken by someone who seemed perfect. She is smart, Christian, gorgeous, caring, and she loves/d me. But for some reason I could not shake the fact that I needed to step back and experience life some. She is the only person I have dated in adulthood. She was my best friend. And for that reason, I couldn't lead her on and say that I wanted one thing when in actuality what I wanted was a chance to live. As a young man, I felt suffocated by someone who I saw once a month. It was taxing on my academics, my friendships, my pockets, and my emotions.

I know that no relationship is easy and they all require work and trust, but extreme distance requires much more than most. I couldn't just drive across town to watch a movie. I would have to fly up for a weekend. I couldn't get a hug or kiss after I had a bad day. I would have to settle for a phone call. Introducing her to my friends and family was nearly impossible unless they happened to meet her one of the 2 times she has come down to visit. It was love, but it wasn't fair.

Everyday at school, I see my closest friends happily in or in pursuit of a normal college relationship, something I knew I could never have if I didn't take a step back. So I selfishly did what I had to do so that I could see if having someone nearby who I could rely on was better.
I can't say that I know one way or another yet, but the future looks bright. I never meant to hurt my first love, but no one does. Now I just pray that God leads me into whatever might be best for me. I know that I am not looking for anything in particular aside from a sense of normality. Yes, the decision was selfish but I would rather be real and hurt someone temporarily than to be fake and please them for a lifetime. I want my friend back, but I know that, in time that too will come.

No real moral to this post. Just venting. Have a great weekend.


Litera scripta manet. - Unknown